As quick as that its now December. I have lost about 22kg since the sleeve. I know I should be pleased with that and I know its an ongoing process but I just want it over with. I want to know that this is going to work for me. I eat little amounts and I don't make good food choices. I drink way to much red wine and well the bottom line is I just really piss me off! I have lost a huge part of the 'eat anything sweet' urge. Sometimes I force it by trying things I don't fancy but I give it go anyway. Chocolate doesn't appeal at all but I have a nibble every now and again..................why? Stuffed if I know. I think its the whole self sabotage thing but Im over diagnosing myself anyway.........sooo over it!
My friends that had sleeves at the same time as me are going great. Im sure they have the same fears as me. I know one of them has had a time of being on a losing plateau and I can hear her fears of not losing anymore. Logically she is going to lose but I can relate to those irrational fears. Everyday I wonder what I am going to do when the bubbles bursts and I fail at this too, all the while looking for a few hot chips or a some bread and butter or something 'wrong'. I seriously hate food but I love it so much. I wish I just didn't have to eat. I listen to so many people with the same struggles who may not have done what I did but they really struggle then they find 'the' diet to go on and go well until they fall off the band wagon only to continue looking for the next miracle diet.
I recently encouraged a friend of mine to consider the sleeve. She has had a band and had huge problems with it. She has gained a lot of weight back after a very great band success. She said to me 'I just want to try a bit longer a few more avenues before I think about a sleeve'. I said to her then you will be like everyone else who keeps trying everything and you'll never exhaust the avenue because every week something new comes out. Shakes, juices, pills, fruit diet, protein diet, south beach, weight watchers, jenny craig, high carb, low carb, no carb it goes on and on as we all know. She's now in the process of getting a sleeve. Im super excited for her because I do believe if anything is going to give her a chance to be 'normal' the sleeve will do it.
There just isn't an answer. For some reason, maybe our own, maybe not or maybe partly, some people are just cursed with weight problems and spend our whole lives trying to conquer it. I just wish that I could break the curse. I think that mostly I wish that I cared enough about me to make life long changes that will without a doubt give me longevity that currently I am ripping myself off from. I admire people who are vegans or really health conscious. I know they can fall down dead and sadly sometimes they do but at least they try every way they can to give themselves the best chance at living a healthy life. Anyway thats where Im at today. Blog ya soon xx
Monday, December 10, 2012
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Day 8
Im hungry. What the hell is with that!!!!! I dont know why I thought I wouldnt be but I did and now when I see someone eating a burger I wanna rip it outta their hands and scoff. I e mailed the dietician and she advised to have more milky drinks. Now there lays a new problem. I seem to have developed a bit of a milk allergy. I bought a smoothie today and after just a few small sips was thinking I was gonna have to rush to the loo so dumped it straight away. Apart from that I feel amazing. No pain no medication maybe still a wee bit tired in the afternoons but thats it. I could easily go back to work (woo hoo that I dont have to for weeks and weeks) but I could. I found the band easy to get over too.
Blog you soon xx
Blog you soon xx
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Two year catch up
Oh goodness, It has been nearly two years since I posted. Wow I cant believe it. I haven't actually looked at this blog for probably the last year. Lots of reasons and Ill reveal all as we go on. It will take a while no doubt but you'll quickly get the idea.
So I had a lap band in 2007, Oh how I thought that was the miracle I was waiting for. For a long time it was. I cant even tell you where or when it all started to slip away and before I knew it had just all slipped away and I had gained heaps of weight and I kept saying I didn't give a toss but I so did.
We moved to Karratha in 2009. I didn't expect to have so much problem getting fills but as we have one surgeon who flies in to make some good coin (Dr Keirith) and one GP that assured me the only way he could put fluid in was to take all the fill out then refill (this made me incredibly nauseous. It is the worst feeling when they do this as it disturbs the vagus nerve which is the one that makes you feel really ill for ages if its disturbed. So there you have it. One surgeon who would fill so tight then fly off muttering something about taking 20 days before you die from dehydration. Or I could go to see a very nice GP but who had no idea and would not be told he just didn't need to take all the fill out. I persevered for a while but ended up frustrated and resenting the Dr's. Towards the end it was tight enough to give me restriction then the bizarre started to happen. I could eat crunch which with a food addiction equates to this. Cereal and light milk for breakfast. Salad and steamed fish for lunch or tuna or veg and then for dinner meat and vege steamed of course.
Oh how I wish. What it really became with time was Toast for breakfast and lunch. Bizarrely I could eat 8 bits of toast at a sitting but could not eat a banana or stewed fruit or yoghurt. Then Id get pissed off and eat chips hot or cold would skid down. Hot chips were the best I could actually live on them and often did. In January of this year I went to three different surgeons in Perth to get an idea of what I should do. All that I spoke to said where I lived was a big fail factor. I decided to end the misery and had the band removed in March 12 by Dr Hamdorf who is the same Dr that banded me. He agreed it had run its course. I think I was about 108 kgs in March. So from my lowest of 75kg I had gained 33kgs from my tummy tuck time. Gutted cannot express it. Devastated, ashamed, embarrassed were only a few of the emotions. Why couldn't I do this? Why couldn't I make this work. All the money, all the invested time, all the hopes and dreams lost. I was so looking forward to going back to NZ and seeing my family and being slim not to rub anyones nose in it but because I was proud to have stepped out of my comfort zone and be for once in my adult life slim.
My mum turned 80 in April and I went home to celebrate this event with her. I will never be able to explain the devastation of meeting with family that i haven't seen for years and followed this blog up until I stopped blogging two years ago. Now here I was standing in front of them and I could feel the question 'what the hell happened'. I just had to put on the brave face and 'oh well' answer and act like it was all cool. But it wasn't cool. It was not ok! This was April so I had no band and I could go nuts with food. I tried so hard not too. But I was home and we are a family of foodies. So we had everything to eat that I either don't get in Aussie or foods specific to our family get together like........ well........ cream. Cream and butter has to go with everything. Seriously. I think we had 5 litres of cream and we used the lot and who knows how much butter but we ate all that too. Oh and fried bread. So I compensated how sad I felt with food. Not just cos I was ashamed but my mum had aged so much and didn't seem well, in fact taken to hospital so I ate to make that feel better too. Its really hard when you haven't been home for a while and you see all the changes you missed out on. You get to see what you missed on which is no ones fault but it is hard to adjust to for sure. So I returned to Karratha wondering where my fat ass was gonna stop and how it could when I wasn't helping matters.
A month later the devastating news my mum has incurable lung cancer and its agressive. Of course what is going to help that.......cream and hot chips and anything else I fancied cos now the sky really was the limit. I realised I have no off switch. If I was full of one food Id just swap to another. I was rebellious and ultimately I had lost the dream. Hope was gone and this was as good as it was going to get for me. I have the most wonderful husband and felt ugly and undeserving of him. That affected our relationship not massively but after one failed marriage I cherish what I have in Andy so I was worried how bad I felt and how that would hurt Andy.
I mulled over having a sleeve but have really struggled with the idea of cutting out my stomach. You know, really ugh. How desperate is that? How desperate am I?
Tuesday 28/08/12 I decided I was desperate enough and had a gastric sleeve. I spent the previous 2 weeks I did shake meal replacements 2 x a day then protein and veg at night for dinner, Then I got on that plane flew to Perth booked in to Hollywood hospital and voila here I am 5 days later sleeved.
My sleeve starting weight was 118 kg. Wow just so you don't have to look back over blogs that is 5 kg lighter than the day I had the band. Yep right back at the starting line. Stay tuned as I regularly update this blog. Promise xx
So I had a lap band in 2007, Oh how I thought that was the miracle I was waiting for. For a long time it was. I cant even tell you where or when it all started to slip away and before I knew it had just all slipped away and I had gained heaps of weight and I kept saying I didn't give a toss but I so did.
We moved to Karratha in 2009. I didn't expect to have so much problem getting fills but as we have one surgeon who flies in to make some good coin (Dr Keirith) and one GP that assured me the only way he could put fluid in was to take all the fill out then refill (this made me incredibly nauseous. It is the worst feeling when they do this as it disturbs the vagus nerve which is the one that makes you feel really ill for ages if its disturbed. So there you have it. One surgeon who would fill so tight then fly off muttering something about taking 20 days before you die from dehydration. Or I could go to see a very nice GP but who had no idea and would not be told he just didn't need to take all the fill out. I persevered for a while but ended up frustrated and resenting the Dr's. Towards the end it was tight enough to give me restriction then the bizarre started to happen. I could eat crunch which with a food addiction equates to this. Cereal and light milk for breakfast. Salad and steamed fish for lunch or tuna or veg and then for dinner meat and vege steamed of course.
Oh how I wish. What it really became with time was Toast for breakfast and lunch. Bizarrely I could eat 8 bits of toast at a sitting but could not eat a banana or stewed fruit or yoghurt. Then Id get pissed off and eat chips hot or cold would skid down. Hot chips were the best I could actually live on them and often did. In January of this year I went to three different surgeons in Perth to get an idea of what I should do. All that I spoke to said where I lived was a big fail factor. I decided to end the misery and had the band removed in March 12 by Dr Hamdorf who is the same Dr that banded me. He agreed it had run its course. I think I was about 108 kgs in March. So from my lowest of 75kg I had gained 33kgs from my tummy tuck time. Gutted cannot express it. Devastated, ashamed, embarrassed were only a few of the emotions. Why couldn't I do this? Why couldn't I make this work. All the money, all the invested time, all the hopes and dreams lost. I was so looking forward to going back to NZ and seeing my family and being slim not to rub anyones nose in it but because I was proud to have stepped out of my comfort zone and be for once in my adult life slim.
My mum turned 80 in April and I went home to celebrate this event with her. I will never be able to explain the devastation of meeting with family that i haven't seen for years and followed this blog up until I stopped blogging two years ago. Now here I was standing in front of them and I could feel the question 'what the hell happened'. I just had to put on the brave face and 'oh well' answer and act like it was all cool. But it wasn't cool. It was not ok! This was April so I had no band and I could go nuts with food. I tried so hard not too. But I was home and we are a family of foodies. So we had everything to eat that I either don't get in Aussie or foods specific to our family get together like........ well........ cream. Cream and butter has to go with everything. Seriously. I think we had 5 litres of cream and we used the lot and who knows how much butter but we ate all that too. Oh and fried bread. So I compensated how sad I felt with food. Not just cos I was ashamed but my mum had aged so much and didn't seem well, in fact taken to hospital so I ate to make that feel better too. Its really hard when you haven't been home for a while and you see all the changes you missed out on. You get to see what you missed on which is no ones fault but it is hard to adjust to for sure. So I returned to Karratha wondering where my fat ass was gonna stop and how it could when I wasn't helping matters.
A month later the devastating news my mum has incurable lung cancer and its agressive. Of course what is going to help that.......cream and hot chips and anything else I fancied cos now the sky really was the limit. I realised I have no off switch. If I was full of one food Id just swap to another. I was rebellious and ultimately I had lost the dream. Hope was gone and this was as good as it was going to get for me. I have the most wonderful husband and felt ugly and undeserving of him. That affected our relationship not massively but after one failed marriage I cherish what I have in Andy so I was worried how bad I felt and how that would hurt Andy.
I mulled over having a sleeve but have really struggled with the idea of cutting out my stomach. You know, really ugh. How desperate is that? How desperate am I?
Tuesday 28/08/12 I decided I was desperate enough and had a gastric sleeve. I spent the previous 2 weeks I did shake meal replacements 2 x a day then protein and veg at night for dinner, Then I got on that plane flew to Perth booked in to Hollywood hospital and voila here I am 5 days later sleeved.
My sleeve starting weight was 118 kg. Wow just so you don't have to look back over blogs that is 5 kg lighter than the day I had the band. Yep right back at the starting line. Stay tuned as I regularly update this blog. Promise xx
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