Coming to grips with all the changes!

Hi all. I am teetering on 109kg this week. I try desperately hard not to get on the scales because they are just depressing. If its a loss its almost always not enough or I get a bit overcome with what I have left to lose. If its a gain - Kapow there goes my healthy state of mind for the day. If its a stay the same, well I start wondering what the blimmin point is. It all gets a bit much at times so I am going to try not to weigh in for a month at a time but when I sit on the loo I can see the scales and its as if they are trying to call me over just to wreck my day lol. Yesterday was the first day that I nibbled all day on something and even though it wasn't a lot it freaked me out that I may have slipped back into old eating habits. I found the thought really scary. Today my eldest turned 22 so we put on a lunch for him and I found it very hard to resist the trifle and the chips. I did (except for a spoon full of trifle) which was good but I still have that feeling of slipping into old habits hanging over me. I have two or three cruskits for lunch with avocado and tuna on it. It fills me enough I think although yesterday I just wanted to graze all the time. Dr Hamdorf said that the new stomach will stretch with time that's why we have to have more fills so maybe that's what is happening. I have decided the only way to avoid bad foods is not to have them in the house so now if it doesn't get eaten in one hit it goes into the bin or else its fair game and I don't want to eat it (whatever it might be). One of the biggest difficulties right now is that I let myself her sooooo hungry then I wanna eat like there is no tomorrow. This causes me to eat too fast too big a mouth fulls and too much which in turn makes me pb. I took my grand daughter to Hungry Jacks the other day and while she ate a burger I bought a salad but I wolfed down and then had to be sick to unblock my stomach. This was gross and bloody embarrassing because the only thing I could find was Kimberley's happy meal box and she kept looking at me and asking what I was doing with her box. Then when I thought I had finished, it turned out I hadn't so I needed something real quick and all I could find was my coke cup lol. I think even the ever hungry seagulls decided to give me a very wide berth! The other thing that I really regret is telling everyone about the op. Now where ever I go if they (people) know me I get scrutinised and constantly have people look me up and down which pisses me off. It just makes me feel like I am on show. I wish I had of been a bit more selective but not to worry . I will post again soon. Bye for now Dianne