It has been ages since I blogged and I'm sorry about that. A combination of things really. Feeling really fat and don't wanna discuss it for one. Am starting to HATE the academy for another. Feel like everything is out of control for another actually the list isn't seeming to end.
I am about 96kg which is a little higher than I was but not as high as I deserve to be BUT it may as well be cos I feel like I am as big as a house and am constantly shocked that I can still do my uniform up. Every day I put it on thinking 'this is it' or ' its never going to do up' but it does. Its such a psycho thing which is doing my head in. I aren't able to eat a lot but as I am not exercising at all and eat lollies all day to try and stay awake with the rest of the trainees i am not doing myself any favours. Its so scary to gain weight and I am always on edge about it. That's probably the biggest bummer of this journey - the fact that nothing has really changed and no eating/fat stresses have really left me cos I still constantly think of food/gaining/losing/what to eat or not to eat. I am at the point of asking my surgeon to take the band out and replace it with a sleeve but I don't really think he will although I am going to discuss it with him. The sleeve is where the stomach is stapled to a tiny one (about the size of your little finger) the bonus is NO Follow up adjusting. The problem is that I still continue to make poor food choices and am right back at square one. I might be feeling like this due to being one month away from my 1st year bandaversary and I thought I would be at goal where as right now I cant see anything except that friggin 100 still in view! AHHHHHHHHH.
I also am in the process of a possible hysterectomy. Woo hoo. I say possible as I have been told that as I had a Cesarean I am at higher risk of some bloody thing but I switched off so don't know what that is. I am having a Mariner (not sure if that's the right spelling) put in on Monday to try and give me some 'wing free days' so I am really looking forward to that minor surgery NOT. I had to have an internal scan (sorry to all the boys reading this) which was a thrill a minute. I feel a bit ripped off as a girl today!
What else is going on? Mmmm oh yeah. I have conjuctivitis in one eye that wont seem to bugger off with antibiotics so thats a thrill. Why did I leave it so long to post. Shit I feel so much better now hehe.
I am not suppose to blog anything about my job for safety reasons (if anyone tracked down who I was I could be vulnerable so I am going to be extra careful with what I say. However I just want to add that I have two weeks left then my training is all over and I start in the real world. I feel quite anxious about it although I think once I am in doing it I will be so much better off than all this theory bullsh*t. Its doing my head in. I have had numerous spats with the trainers and another is brewing. Today I refused to take off my ISSUED jumper as it was 2 degrees and I have spent the last three weeks with a flu that I havent fully shaken off. Well that went down like a lead balloon and I am half expecting to get a detention or some bloody thing.
No more news from me for now. Sorry that it looks like a big bitch session but............................it is and plus you are a cheap counsellor lol. xx Dianne

Just a quick add on to the one below. My daughter got engaged to her fella last Sunday. They are marrying next Feb so that's my goal to lose a few more K's. So that at least was a good part of the week xx

What a bugger of week its been. No particular reason but its just been a pain in the neck and I am glad its over. I am having trouble with 'woman's' problems and weather that's causing my weight to stay stagnant I don't know but I just cant seem to budge the scales. My surgeon said to me to eat whatever I want cos I will lose weight cos I cant eat big quantities. Well baa baaow! Wrong! I can eat chips (cold) till the cows come home and I can eat enough to gain weight AND I can seem to eat any sort of cake I want that doesn't get stuck So, this week I am going to behave and move the scales and I am going to get back into exercising.
Training has been tough. I really struggle with the militant side of it as I have already said. I just don't think when I am there about hierarchy etc. I have always had a problem with people or the perception that people are talking down to me. Last week I was freezing and walking along with my hands in my pocket when this booming voice behind me said 'Ms M...., are your hands cold?' I replied 'yes freezing, thanks for asking'. It didn't occur to me that I was being told in a round about way to get them out of my pockets and it wasn't until someone poked me in the side and said 'get your hands outta your pockets' through gritted teeth did it click! Then I really screwed up on Friday and got in huge trouble. We had a guest speaker and I swear this man looked like Abe Lincoln. He started his talk and I don't know where he was from but he had an incredibly thick German or Polish accent. I got the giggles. I couldn't stop. The more i tried to the more I cried with laughter. It had this huge roll on effect and suddenly half the class were almost off their chairs with laughter. This lasted for an hour. When we got back to class the manager and another came in and screamed at us. It was warranted and bloody rude of me I know but I just couldn't get my act together. Oh well - shouldnt beat myself up I guess. I just wish it was all over and I could get into the actual job. Well I will sign off now and go for a walk. Have a good week and dont have your hands in your pocket either lol

It feels like such a long time since I last posted. I have lost the 4kg I gained after the chicken incident so I am thrilled with that. I haven't been all that well with a combination of sheer exhaustion, a cold and 'ladies problems' so I am feeling extra knackered.
I have just finished one of the hardest weeks of training so far where it was all about learning weapons and self defence which was so difficult for someone who struggles with violence and even though I know I may need to use this one day (prayerfully not) its still a huge shock and really hard to change my thinking. I managed to end up in tears twice throughout the week and yesterday I - and the trainers thought I had broken my arm after one of the actors that is used to act violently towards us whacked me so hard I went flying! I got home last night and literally could not lift my arms any higher than about 8 inches from my side. I got capsicum sprayed on Wed and let me tell you it was the most excruciating thing I think I have ever done. It was freaking miserable in fact I was so naive to it I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My face and mouth and eyes and forehead and hand burnt like they were in hot fat. Honestly, it was bloody crazy it was so sore. It took a good 30 minutes of dousing myself before I could feel ok enough to keep my eyes open. Never again that's for sure!
I have a number of clashes throughout the week with my trainers as they have been very militant and I struggle beyond belief with that but at the end of the day I got through and ultimately I can now throw someone off me should I end up with someone on top of me on the ground and I can hook punch, bitch slap, front strike quite well so all in all it was quite successful or it will be when the bruises go away!
My mum and dad in law are here from NZ for the next three weeks so I am off to start cooking dinner. Catch you soon xx

Yippee its the end of another week training and I am sooooo glad! Training is long and hard and full on. There is not one minute of the day that isnt accounted for and its driving me nuts trying to get use to the regimentedness of it (if there is such a word). I spent Monday and Tues at the work place and that was great. Its nice to finally put places and procedures into place cos until now I couldn't figure out what most senior officers were even talking about. I have come down with the heaviest of head colds which is a bummer as the academy where i am training is an old prison and I swear its about 10 degrees colder than anywhere else. I think it would be warmer standing in a puddle of cold water outside than wrapped up and inside the building. My weight is heading up a wee bit due to the fact I can eat copious amounts more than I could before I got the chicken stuck. I am feeling quite desperate about it and am wanting to desperately get a fill but cant get in for two more weeks. I can eat a whole bread roll (filled) now and dessert. Not liking this at all. Its a very low feeling and psychologically all these thoughts go through my mind like 'look how fat I have gotton' and my pants wont fit me anymore even though its only about 3kg I have gained.
The other thing that happened this week is that I put my sweet (really lovely) little canaries outside in the sun on Wed and yesterday I remembered them. That means that they were in the night temp of 4degrees and they were both lying on the cage floor with there little feet up in the air! How bad am I? Oh my gosh. I feel sick that I forgot about them and they had this antarctic type death. I wondered if I could warm them up and they might defrost a bit and spring back into life but nope that didn't work (I put the cage in the laundry with the dryer going) so they were buried. I asked the Senior Officer if I could fly the flag at half mast but he wasn't impressed! Well I am off to have a glass of Dolcetto Syrah. Blog ya soon xx

I have just been talking to my sister and she said she wanted me to update so here it is. I am back in training this week and will be for the next 11 weeks. The training is paramilitary meaning it parallels with with military and this is where I come a little unstuck. I do understand that the job needs to be very disciplined but and for me it is a big but I have never been able to get into that who military training thing and have often thought they are sort of ......................tosserish! Not that there is anything wrong with someone choosing that career its just I never would. So on the first day when Sargent says we will 'muster' I didn't have a bloody clue what they were talking about. I quickly realised it was to line up but when he bellowed at me to 'not dare be holding my cup of coffee' I spluttered through gritted teeth 'are you talking to me?' Then when he said 'Miss, don't you ever stand with your hands in your pockets' I found it very difficult to hide my disdain and not giggle 'how bout you go get a life'! I have gotten better and I haven't had many more growlings but that's mainly cos I have decided to hang at the back rather than the front of the muster. Today we disarmed a bomb only we blew up so that wasn't much good. Don't be too alarmed as it was a team building exercise so even though I blew up the team I at least don't have to really try and disarm a bomb lol. We have to iron our uniform with such precision that its starting to scare me as ironing is most definitely not a strong point with me. I have been too scared to sit down in case I get bellowed at for the creases on my arse. Today I had to keep going to the loo and I was convinced that Sargent was gonna yell at me for the time spent out of the classroom so I had it all planned that I was going to ask him if he had any tips on changing a tampon fast as I couldn't get my time under 5 minutes but luckily he didn't ask as I might just have gotten fired! I am really enjoying the course and am trying hard to conform but it is a challenge. Well I am off to bed as one thing for sure is that if I dont get a good nights sleep I just about go mental trying to stay awake and I do believe that Sarg is gonna be really pissed at me if I start snoring. Check out the uniform xx

Hello Hello Hello

Well it feels like ages since I last posted when really it hasn't been but it still feels like it. I have had a very eventful week and am very glad its Friday! I got through the events of last weekend OK and on Tuesday I rang my surgeons office and begged BEGGED for an appt to see someone that day as I was starting my job in the Prisons on the Wed. They said they would see me and I rushed in there rejoicing at the thought of getting my 4mils back. I saw the Dr and she weighed me which showed me at 95kg which isn't nearly as bad as I` thought it might have been as mum really did do some pretty yummy cooking while she was here. Anyway, the Dr said she rang my surgeon when she heard I was coming in and he said I could only have 2mils back which has turned out to be not nearly enough as I can eat way too much. Its still a bit of restriction and she said I can have the rest back in two weeks so I'm ok with that. Wed I started my new job and I am thrilled with the great bunch of people I am working with. I thought they might have a few boofy head type personalities there but nope they are all great and I think may even turn out to be life long friends. The training has been really interesting except the legislation jargon but apart from that its been interesting and I have loved it. Still a bit scary though! I had to re do my fitness test today and was relieved when I passed it especially since I haven't exercised for about 7 weeks apart from the very very very occasional run or treadmill. I got my uniform a couple of days ago so that was exciting but I haven't worn it yet. I will sign off now and will post again in the middle of next week. xx Dianne