Another kg down

It s been a week since I last posted. I have lost approx 13kg since the op which feels exciting. I try not to look at the BIG picture and try not to dwell on the 43kg to go. My next goal is to get into double digits. Small steps I figure is the way to go! This week I finally feel that I have arrived at a new understanding of portion changes and accepting (without sadness) that this is my new way of life and not feeling like I am missing out on anything. I now have three meals a day of 1 cup size. Its taken all this time to come to grips with not cooking or ordering extra in case 'I need' to eat more. Where as I would always order much more than needed to cover the 'just in case' factor, I now (mostly) am content with cooking and dishing up only a cup and then sometimes I happily leave a few mouthfuls if I feel full. Taking my time to eat has also been a massive adjustment and I now find that I get irritated with Andy when I watch him wolf down his food and not chew it (oh God, I don't want to become a converted eater like a non smoker sometimes behaves towards smoker's) . Speaking of Andy he is home from the mines only a day after going up due to a hiatus hernia that has appeared. We are off to the hospital this arvo to try and get that sorted. Its blimmin tricky going somewhere unplanned like a hospital and try and find slop for my meals but generally even a milky drink will see me through from one meal time to the next if it has to. I have my first fill in just over a week which is making me a bit nervous especially as a cupful is my limit now it might make me only able to eat an egg cupful after the fill. Bonus side is much cheaper grocery shop lol! Well that's it for now. I will post again in a few days. PS My gorgeous brother left a touching comment on the last post saying that I was an inspiration. I hope if anyone is reading this and needs inspiration that this helps but my main reason for this op was to live, not just exist. The weight that I lost over periods of time was always found again and like smoking I saw my weight issues as slow suicide. I owed doing something significant about the problem to my God, my husband, and my children. I now owe it to them to make this work because if I don't I not only risked my life for all those years yo yo dieting but then massively risked my life having a major surgery and believe me we were all so afraid I might not survive the surgery. I don't want to take one more minute of my life for granted. Ok off to do the weeding xx ciao for now

oooohhhh can I lick the plates please!!!!!

Saturday 22/09/07
Tonight we decided we would have a meal out. Now this was quite a regular affair as we barter work with quite a few of the local restaurants but that was all in another life (pre op). Tonight was the first one post op. We arrive and hubby starts scrutinising the menu for me and 16 yr laughs the whole time at what I cant have compared to what I could of had pre op. Right so there we are and hubby is saying 'ok hon, what about some oysters? Are they mushy enough?'. Um how about 'NO'. "Well what about chicken then?" NO, I reply. Ummmm how about garlic bread? Errr No I again reply. This goes on for a few more minutes when finally I say, 'I think I will try the grilled fish for entree and then the rest of you can pick at it too'. The boys all choose bread and oysters kilpatrick (my favourite) for entrees. Right with that out of the way then comes the drinks decision and I decide I will stick to water woo hoo. After all by the time I get through the food I figure the rest of the family will be ready to go and I wont be able to even start on a glass of wine. Now comes choosing mains! Caleb (10) chooses Thai chicken curry and rice. Ethan (16) chooses Beef and Reef with garlic cream sauce and Andy chooses chicken and some sort of saucy stuff. I am left in a bit of a quandary. No chicken. No chips. No beef. What I am looking for here is anything mushy and right now the best decision is sitting in the desserts cabinet in the form of cheese cake. I finally decide on the beef, bacon and mushroom pie. Mainly cos I figure it will be saucy and I can eat that. Entrees come and the fish is way to firm so everyone else eats that ( I had three tiny fork full). They all ate the oysters and I pleaded for the juice in the shell which out of pity they gave to me. I watched them all eat gorgeous fresh breads with fresh real butter. Then the mains came. My pie wasn't saucy at all hardly so I piled everything onto Andy's plate including the chips as I thought they would be my biggest temptation. I bludged two of Ethan's prawns which were delicious ( chew chew chewing them until they were mushy) then I kept trying to scrape some sauce off his steak. Lucky he didn't seem to mind. I sopped up some of Andy's sauce off his chicken and then scraped Caleb's plate of Thai curry sauce. By the end of it I felt pretty full and my handbag was packed with left overs for the dog - hey waste not want not I say! Bit of a bugger having to be charged for licking the plates though.
On the plus side I can now cross my legs comfortably when I sit. I fit a blouse that I have had for four years (wouldnt actually wear it now but anyway) and could never. And lastly Andy bought me a ring and earring set about three years ago. It cost $1800 and I always meant to get around to resizing the ring but never did. I couldnt even get it close to my knuckle and today it slipped on my finger!!!! Woo hoo. Really pleased about that. All in all a positive end to the week! xx for now Dianne

What a day! 19/09/07

Anyone who is reading this and doesn't want to hear about constipation needs to stop reading now...........................I mean it. I have been to the loo two times in two weeks and I'm telling you that even then it wasn't very significant. Yesterday I was hit with the worst tummy cramps and wind that I think I have ever experienced. Andy rang me when I was at the train station and I was in tears telling him I didn't think I could get home. (What he was going to do about it from the mines I don't know). I tried and tried to go to the loo but my tummy was so sore to sit and to stand I didn't know where to put myself. I was thinking perhaps it was a perforated bowel or a twisted bowel - but as i don't really know what that means I was just guessing. So, I txt my surgeon and it went something like this -use your imagination. I am driving along and grab my mobile at every set of lights to send him this msg. 'I forgot to ask you yesterday what can I take to go poos cos I think its stuck'. Right, msg sent. Wait wait wait........................Get home and then a msg is received that says 'who is this'. Ooops. Send another msg 'sorry its Dianne and I am in such pain I need to go poos and cant'. He rings me and says to go and buy some Agarol and take 30 mls two times daily. That is my first issue. To take mls and not pills means it is going to be foul and I cant swallow foul without chucking. Right I am desperate so off i go and the minute I see the GIANT bottle and the pleasant vanilla flavour I know it is going to taste like crap. But I am desperate so I buy it. Its thick and white and plops out in globs but i manage to get 30mls in and then another 30 this morning. I tell you all day I thought yep...............yep....... yep ...................................... nup just fart. All day it was like that. Then the helpful lady at work said if it pokes out to try and grab it (with tissues..............what the!!!!!)I will pass on that baby thanks, itll have to stay there. Then finally, I thought hey this is feeling positive and I go off to the loo. Everyone in my section now knows that I am constipated because I have gone to the loo so many times that I had to explain and I am sure they are all watching wondering how its going- yes we have boring jobs. So I am back in the loo for the twentieth time and I remember that my nephew use to suffer terrible constipation as a bub and he use to squat and still does because it really helps him so if you are still with me and not too grossed out I slip off my pants and balancing ever so carefully (all twinkle toes 115kg of me) I get up on the toilet and squat over it. Within minutes it was all on and working,. I was so relieved I sat down on the seat feeling so content until I realised I missed the bowl and had sat in it. 30 minutes later I was finally cleaned up and the toilet was sparkling and disinfected. Man I hope it is all back to regular now but at least I still have a litre of goop and my squat method to keep me going lol. Dr Hamdorf left me a msg today to ask how I was and if I was comfortable (could of done with a cleaner) but all in all i am feeling quite jolly good right now.

Post op apptment with Surgeon 17/09/07

I had my two week post op appointment today. I saw Dr Hamdorf who was thrilled with my weight loss to date. Since seeing him I have lost 13kg, 8kg of which were in the last two weeks. I was expecting him to say that I will be on mushie food (baby food consistency) for two weeks but instead he said he wanted me to stay on them for (((((( 3 )))))) weeks! It took every ounce of energy not to splutter 'what'. Anyway he said no real food for 3 weeks and so that's that!!!! I went back to work today and my colleague (whom from now on will be known as COW) ate hot chips and chicken roll for lunch at her desk. I kept chanting - in between dribbles, I can do this, I can do this. She was quite apologetic and of course I don't really think she is a cow but man it was hard. We also have an open plan office and our tea facilities are in the middle of the floor like
I said all open plan. Today someone made toast TWO times. I yie yie! Never mind I had my..........................up n go mmm mmmmmm. Banana flavour :o) All else is great. I have told numerous people now about the op which is good. I feel like I have come a long way from the melt downs I have had to where I am today. My life motto is 'I may not be where I want to be, but I'm not where I use to be'. It feels very true for where I am at today. Will post again in a few days. I feel like I can tell I have lost weight but as I add photos I do understand those who say they cant see it yet. Oh well. It wont happen overnight but it will happen. My baby comes home on thursday from the mines so itll be interesting to see if he notices. May the lord have mercy on him if he does'nt lol xx

Friday 14 Sept - 11 days post op

Wow I cant believe it is already 11 days since undergoing this life changing adventure. I don't think I have lost anymore weight probably because since being banded I have progressively added more and more food (liquid and thicker) to my diet. I have really struggled with the eating side. Today for example I had a 600ml of low fat ice coffee. I managed to drink it just fine which I find a bit depressing because I was soooo enjoying not being hungry in the beginning. I see my surgeon for my first post op on Monday 17th and I have to say I am hoping he will give me my first wee fill. Most don't get one this early but I have read of a few that do. I just don't want to have the hassles of struggling with not over eating. I am back to work on Monday too so to walk in and say 'gidday all, sorry boss I gotta have a couple of hours off this morning for an appt' is making me feel a bit apprehensive. I do work with the great bunch of people including my boss so that makes it a little easier.
I thought I would be a smart arse and take off all the dressing as they seemed to be healing really wel. Well, three have but the port gives me a stingy time of it. And so itchy that in the end I washed it and soaked it in teatree oil and recovered it. I feel like the port has moved about 2 inches north of where it was so I am not sure what is up with that. I guess Dr Hamdorf will take a squizz on Monday. Nothing else to report. I am off to the movies tonight with my 10yr old so will enjoy sniffing yummy buttery popcorn smells (NOT). I love movie popcorn! Ciao for now xx

Monday 7 days post op

My biggest surprise today is that I am sooooo hungry tonight. Ravenous, starving kinda hungry. I had an Up n go (man what great advertising that is) for breakfast. Chai latte at lunch and some mango sorbet. Well folks it hit dinner time and I was ready to eat the freakn table! I heated up a left over roast for the kids from last night and it took all my energy not to swallow the meat I shoved into my mouth. I chewed it till it was dry then spat it out (sorry thats gross) but man it was hard. I ended up putting the stick mixer through fish and veges and cheese sauce and eating that, then having a smoothie. I feel full now but not like I have over done it. Maybe the swelling is all gone down and thats why. Dunno but hope to control it better tomorrow. Hey- I went number two's so am happy with that!! Down 6 kg which I am happy with too. Will update again later this week xxx for now

Sunday 09/09/07

Well its been 6 days and still going strong except for.......................number flippin two's!!! I went to the chemist who told me she wouldn't give me anything because she was unsure if the stomach contracting would do any damage and I wouldn't have a clue so I am going to just wait and speak to Dr Hamdorf tomorrow. I aren't in any pain so I figure it ll be ok till then. I sure have enough fibre in me to be chugging things along but nup!
Its been a bit tricky getting my head around the whole food thing. I have two kids still living at home and listening to them crunch and rattle around in cupboards has made me want to squeal a couple of times. Mostly I want to just crunch on something like ummmmm nachos or crackers or something. They had Hungry Jacks for lunch and OHHHH lordy I was a bit tempted to take a bite which of course I wouldn't but whoa it was hard to drive with all the smells and paper scrunching going on. Once I have my little sip of up n go or boost juice I realise its because I am hungry so the feeling goes. I cooked a huge roast lamb dinner with pumpkin. kumera.potato.bok choy. cauliflower and broccoli with cheese sauce and gravy tonight. I had my ex husband and his wife over (that's a whole book on its own) and they didn't know I had been banded. It wasn't till they had been invited that I realised they would think something was up with me sipping through a straw. I tried to just put the stick mixer through some veg and lots of sauce but it was pretty jolly obvious that I wasn't actually part of the dinner. I ended up telling them which was ok but it made me realise how set apart I am from the real ''food world". I find I am grieving this a bit right now and even though I knew I would possibly feel like this it was still quite a bummer to come to terms with. I keep trying to think of different things I am looking forward to when I am a 'normal' or 'average' weight. One is not hearing people say 'if you just eat less then..........'. No shit Sherlock wish I had of thought of that one. Getting on a plane and hoping, hoping, hoping the seat belt fits without an extension belt. The last time, I managed to do it up going to NZ but it was about 2 inches to small coming back. I just pretended it was done up (what the heck was going to happen to me anyway?) I mean c'mon I was so blimmin wedged into the seat it wasn't like I was going to go through the window or hit my head on the roof! I would also like to be able to wipe my arse comfortably (only fat people will know what I mean). I would like to have a watch strap that doesn't have to be elasticise to fit me or rings that most average weight people would use as bangles. I want to touch my toes without holding my breath or sit with my legs crossed- oh yeah that will be cool. I want to walk into any place and when I have a meal feel full and not thinking constantly oh oh oh one more mouth full or I wish I had of ordered that cake for dessert - well never mind I will stop and getting something from somewhere else on the way home. I don't want to care about food anymore. I just want to eat to live not live to eat. I want my mother in law to look at me and not feel she has to discuss my very obvious weight problem flaw that I have (may I just say I have the most amazing in laws who I could only aspire to be like). Anyway gotta sign off now and get some sleep. Will update again soon xxx Ciao for now

07/09/07

Well its Friday! I cant believe its gone so fast. Yesterday was awful in the respect that Andy went back up north and I woke with a headache of all headaches. Man it was a cracker and stayed for the day and night. Finally I woke this morning and its gone. I think it was a detox headache. No coffee or much of anything else which I think bought on the headache. I was stressing it was high blood pressure but now I am sure it wasn't. The wounds all look fine. A bit itchy but if my mothers old wives tales are correct that should be a good sign! Had a half of up n go today. Wow it was nice (banana and honey flavour). I think I drank too much cos I was so full tonight. I am down to 117kg this morning so that's not too bad. I am waiting for number twos to hurry up but so far nothing. I kinda expected that though. Will start taking fibre tomorrow. I have been drinking prune juice but still a no go! I am feeling well enough to go back to work next week. I will see how the weekend goes then decide next week. I cant afford too much more time off. (donations gladly accepted lol)

05/09/07

I arrived home today. I was really glad to get home however its a bit like when you have a baby and cant wait to get home. When you do, you wish you had the safety of the hospital and the convienience of meals bought to you and someone else cleaning your bathroom! My baby (husband) goes back to the mines for his two week roster tomorrow 06/09 so I only have tonight with him then I am on my own. That is causing me a lot of distress but I have to fight the urge to grab hold of his pants leg like a kid and have him drag me around while I ball my eyes out. He is really feeling it too and so I dont want to add more pressure on something he has no control over. Man its hard though! He is such a strength to me that I am going to do it very hard over the next two weeks without him. Hopefully he will see a difference in my weight when he gets home.

04/09/07

This is it. The day of surgery. I arrived at St John of God at 5.30am with my husband holding my hand. I finally have peace about this momentous decision. I am weighed (123kg). Wish like crazy I had of not eaten McDonald's last night cos it was typically gross. Should have gone for Chinese or KFC or Hungry Jacks (well I know its crazy but that's what I was thinking). I also had the great great pleasure of getting a really heavy period that started yesterday - sorry if thats too much info but hey you cant imagine what an absolute grrrr that was to arrive. Anyway get me paper knickers which looks like the hat only with an extra leg in it. All prepped and ready to go. Wheeled off to theatre at 7.40am. I am on top of the list so am thrilled not to be waiting around. I think I am a lot like my father cos me and waiting in hospital just aren't a match. The anesthetist arrives and says he will just scratch my hand a bit then says "see you soon". That was pretty much it. I glimpsed my surgeon who said 'good morning" but apart from that the next thing I saw was 9.50am on the clock and I was awake. Blood pressure gave me grief for the next day and a half and piddling was a drama but not really any pain to speak of. They kept asking me if I wanted pain relief but I didn't cos it wasn't sore. A bit stiff but not sore at all.

Come walk with me

May 07 Wieght 128kg
I have decided to go and see Dr Hamdorf in Perth and get his opinion on lap banding. He comes highly recommended by a friend who didn't actually have the band (so not sure what part of her recommendation I am thinking was great lol) but after our first meeting I have decided that he isn't too bad and can at least speak my language. I even booked my op date as the 04/09/07. Dr Hamdorf said I need to pass some other reviews as well before he will give me the final OK. One I have to see Dr Marangou who is -I'm not sure exactly what he is and the other I have to see is Dr Sarah Flannagan the dreaded Dietitian. I am not sure why but she really freaks me out where as the others don't. Maybe its cos I have to put all my proverbial eating cards on the table. I don't know.
May 07 Weight 128kg
First appointment with Dr Flannigan. I decided that I was going to be totally honest with her rather than just speak like I know I could get her nodding her head and sympathising with me I have decided to tell her the truth about my eating and that at times I am completely out of control. I scare me at times at how much I can put away and still be looking for more. I don't know if I even want this operation. I don't feel like I know anything right now except I am desperate and feel like i am dying inside from desperation!
Sarah was fantastic. She said after I spoke about my food hang ups and addictions and family history that she isn't convinced this operation is right for me right now. She has given me diet guidelines and will review my case in about a month. Without her approval I cant have the operation but I am fine with that. I have decided that if I cant get my eating under control before the operation I don't want it anyway. I will see how I go with Sarah's food guidelines.
June 07
First visit to Dr Marangou - Weight 125kg
Well I still aren't terribly sure what he is a Dr of but he was a pleasant man and he thought I would be a great candidate for the band. Suits me (I think). He said after a big discussion that he didn't think I stood a chance of losing weight on my own given my family history (yep, a family of big rigs).
26 June 07 Weight 122kg
Sarah Flannigan - Dietitian
Last visit to see Sarah today. I am down to 122kg just by following her diet regime. It really wasn't anything other than choosing foods with 10gm sugar or less per 100gm and 5gm fat or less per 100gm. I also was so honest with her at the first visit that it was a bit of a reality check for me. I seem to have quite a dysfunctional view of food and have quite a family history of sabotage so it gave me a different sort of perspective of everything once I came clean. She said she was happy to recommend me for the lap band. I am still not sure if this is what I really want but feel grateful I have made some sort of in roads into my fat life so far.
06/08/07 Weight 123kg
Last visit to see Dr Hamdorf before the surgery
I have had an absolute melt down over the last couple of weeks. My husband works away and I have been trying to deal with a whole barrage of emotion on my own. We live in Perth and have no family here so its a case of 'screw it, just do it' which works for me most of the time but right now it has been just miserable. I have been convinced I wont make it through the surgery and have been planning my funeral and saying goodbye to people in my head! I walked into the Dr's office and just burst into tears. Dr Hamdorf wanted to know what was up and what my concerns were. I said it was not waking up from the anesthetic. He talked me through it all and I must say that was a real fresh touch to my little world. I walked away feeling a lot more 'together'. I also decided that the next person that walked into his office I was going to just walk up to and ask if he/she had had a lap band. Thank goodness the next person was a very approachable looking woman who kindly said she had after her initial shock at my forwardness. She gave me the name of a banders website which I found really helpful and down to earth. I think I am going to have it done! Maybe.
My other really huge hiccup in my thinking is that I am a christian so I have struggled with what God is making out of all this. I feel like such a failure and feel so blaaaa about who I am right now that I have been feeling how much God has been disappointed with me. I have since rung friends and had prayer and have come to the hopeful conclusion that God loves me and that this is ok. Perhaps not ideal but OK. I love God!!